Thoughts From The Staircase

The End

   So, this is it. This is the point where we part ways, where one of us says: “Well, it’s been a nice ride, but I’m getting off the train now.” The end of the road. Goodbye.

   It shouldn’t come as as much of a surprise as it does. With oceans, continents and even time itself standing between us, where did we really expect this to go? Into the eternity, the infinity, and beyond, I guess. Forever, just like we said. 

   Maybe this was never meant to work out. I know that was what I kept telling myself in the beginning. Now, more and more I believe that I was wrong, but at the same time I’m sure that I was as right back then as I’ve ever been.

   Remember that shirt you used to have, the one with incorrect grammar that said: “I will touch your heart”? Despite the fact I was determined to never let that happen, you somehow still managed to get to me. All the games I played, and the act I put up, all to make you like me more than I liked you, seems to have backfired. Perhaps I played a part to fool you, but ended up playing it so well I convinced myself.

   And now what? You’ll go on with your life, and I’ll be left here with the questions that I never got to ask, and the answers I’ll never get. Eventually, I too, will get over us. Because I have to. Because there is no other way. And somehow I’ll be fine, alone, like I used to be, like I’ve always been. You will slowly fade from my memory, day by day, until nothing will be left but a haunting dream, a ghost, a fragment of what once was, and what could have been.

  We used to say that if either of us met someone else, we wouldn’t let it affect us. We would still be together, in some way, always. I know that’s not true. It doesn’t matter though, cause there is no one else, only time, making us slowly drift apart , and it drives me insane. It turns out that forever can be a long and lonely time.

  So maybe a clean break-up would be the best thing after all. As it is, my heart is slowly breaking. It’s such a strange word. Heartbreak. As if a muscle that pumps the blood, the very essence of life, through your body could ever break without taking you with it, without killing you.

   But despite that, despite all the obstacles, the distance between us and the barriers, I’m not ready to give up. Not yet. 

   So let’s not leave until we’ve lost everything. Let’s give it one more chance. Maybe it will go to hell anyway, but at least we’ve tried. By God, we will have tried. And that will make it a little bit easier, and me a little bit less bitter. If there’s one thing I truly fear it’s to become bitter, cause then I  really will have lost you, for good. Forever..

The Game

I’m a player. That is how I see myself and how I wish to be perceived by the people around me. But let me make sure there’s no misunderstanding, I’m not talking about the kind of player that sleeps around and who sees another notch in the bedpost as a conquest. No sir, that’s not me. I don’t play women. I play life.

You see, life is a game. As a matter of fact it’s the greatest game of all. Only problem is you don’t how it should be played, or even what the stakes are. There’s a time limit but no one knows how long it is. Players come and go. Some of them affect it, others don’t. And every now and then somebody or something shakes up the board and mess it all up, and you have to start all over again. 

Maybe you’re the one being played. Maybe you’re not one of the players at all, just a pawn on the board, a small piece of a much bigger picture in this eternal game. But from your point of view you are the one pulling the strings. That’s how you have to see yourself, as a player of the game, because that’s the only way to look at it. Otherwise it’ll just drive yourself mad.

What is the game then? Well, no one knows for sure, and the truth is that even though mankind has been spending the better part of it’s thinking existence pondering that very question, we’re still not anywhere closer to knowing the answer than our pre-historic ancestors were. The rules are still unclear and no one knows for sure if there is a judge, but if there is, then he’s the only one who has even a remote clue about the nature of the game, and he won’t tell anybody. He just watches from a distance, secretly smiling knowingly to himself. Talk about having a poker face.

So what do you do? What can you do? You play along as best as you can, try to enjoy the ride and just hope that you got dealt a good enough hand to start with. So let the dice roll, I say, and the chips fall as they may..